Thursday, May 5, 2011

Creativity and stress.....

When I was married I didn't worry about the money that came into the house, how the bills were paid or anything of the sort. Budgeting, balancing, etc... were not my concern. My husband took care of it all. He told me when I had money and when I couldn't spend much. This went on for our entire marriage (over 20 years).

At one point my husband didn't have a job and I was supporting the family. Things were a little tighter but he always managed to make sure we had enough. There was always plenty to pay our bills and buy food. I NEVER worried.

My husband and I separated approximately four years ago. We are now divorced. I am in a personal financial crisis that I don't like to think about. I never learned how to manage my money and I am still struggling with it. I have gone through so many changes over the past four years it is unreal. I had to file bankruptcy. I lost my car.

Of course, the timing couldn't be better with the economy tanking. The stress is like a noose around my neck, choking me, crippling me from doing what I love - creating art. I am even furious with myself that I am in this position. I feel stupid. I know I am not a stupid person. I know I am fully capable! Honestly, I can't believe a strong, capable person like myself is in this position at all.

I have feelings of shame. I have let myself and my daughter down. I have failed. And to top it off I discovered that my little pill that made my tummy not hurt, Prilosec, can cause depression among other serious side effects.

So here I sit this morning pushing back the fear. Trying to come to terms with what I have created. I know I can only do what I can do today. I am happy in my personal life. I have so much to be thankful for. Friends, loved ones, family... and I am still working at home despite it all.

How do I move forward and paint beautiful things when my mind is so muddled? How do I overcome this? I don't really have the answers yet. Day by day... even hour by hour. I am weaning myself from the Prilosec. It is a start. Meditation... a good night's sleep... praying.

I am writing this to basically get it out. I want to release this feeling and be free of it. Also to tell whoever is reading this, if you are in a situation where you don't pay attention to your money that you need to start today. Everyone should know how. Money is not an evil thing! It is a good thing that allows us so many other things. My mind is a creative mind. I don't like to be bogged down with this stuff (I am even resistant) but I am learning and I hope what happened to me is a message to someone else out there.

I am making a promise to myself today that I will let myself off the hook. My inner dialogue is very cruel. I wouldn't say the things I say to myself to another human being. I would never be so mean. I encourage anyone who is reading to stop whatever mean thoughts you have about yourself right now. I had a long talk with my sister about it last night. I am done with this self-loathing. I am very prideful I have been told. It isn't a bad thing but it can lock you up in your own scary little world. Pride is good but not when it stops you from asking for help or makes you lie to yourself about what is really going on.

Now the decision to post this. It is so easy to pretend your life is just perfect but I know I am not alone here. And maybe my ramblings will help someone else. Maybe I will hear back from some of you and the messages will be something I needed to hear.

This is not a story of despair but rather of hope. Hope that I will personally overcome this. That I will amaze myself. I am not an unhappy person. I have moments where I am freaking out but for the most part I very happy. I laugh every day. I do have some inner demons to overcome but the sun is always shining and my glass is forever half full. There is so much for me to be thankful about.

So on that note I feel better. I am off to get some promised dolls in the mail today and hopefully create a pretty little doll that will make someone very happy.

Hugs and love to all! LL

1 comment:

  1. I'm so proud of you for posting this!! It's one thing to write it for yourself but to share it takes courage. I'm very sorry for all the pain you've been going through but I'm also excited where this type of self-awareness can take you. There is light and I know you'll get there! Huge hugs!!!