Monday, May 9, 2011

Being human...

After my last post I wondered if I didn't make a mistake in airing my dirty laundry. Could it effect how people really feel about me? Could it effect how people feel about my art? My business practices?

I was pondering all of this as I was painting today. And as I was enjoying the way the colors blended together and how my doll was coming to life I realized that I am able to create this and all of my art because of how deeply I feel. Writing that down truly freed me in ways I didn't realize until now.

I feel like a new person. I am off the Prilosec as of today and I feel great. I feel amazing actually. I am caught up on all of my shipping. I have only 8 commissions in the house. And I am feeling my way through a beautiful repaint that I will share later.

Having purged myself of those feelings in writing has me going through my old doll items and purging myself of those things too. I know I can let them go and allow new things to flow to me. I am thinking about what doll I want to paint next. I know that I am on the right track!

I had a long talk this morning with my sister and we came to a realization that we are very strong people. That we have risen above and overcome more obstacles that can be imagined. I mentioned before that I felt like I had failed on every level. I know a lot of people feel that way, especially in the situation of a broken marriage. I want to say that it is okay to feel this way. But it has to be released as well. We are so very hard on ourselves... we tend to look away from all the good that we have done and only focus on the bad.

Today just think about a couple of things that you have personally done that you are proud of. That is what I am going to do. I will not be controlled by things that were often out of my control anyway. And whatever was my "fault" is me just being human. I have made mistakes but I have done some wonderful things too. And so have you.

Love Love Love! LL

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Creativity and stress.....

When I was married I didn't worry about the money that came into the house, how the bills were paid or anything of the sort. Budgeting, balancing, etc... were not my concern. My husband took care of it all. He told me when I had money and when I couldn't spend much. This went on for our entire marriage (over 20 years).

At one point my husband didn't have a job and I was supporting the family. Things were a little tighter but he always managed to make sure we had enough. There was always plenty to pay our bills and buy food. I NEVER worried.

My husband and I separated approximately four years ago. We are now divorced. I am in a personal financial crisis that I don't like to think about. I never learned how to manage my money and I am still struggling with it. I have gone through so many changes over the past four years it is unreal. I had to file bankruptcy. I lost my car.

Of course, the timing couldn't be better with the economy tanking. The stress is like a noose around my neck, choking me, crippling me from doing what I love - creating art. I am even furious with myself that I am in this position. I feel stupid. I know I am not a stupid person. I know I am fully capable! Honestly, I can't believe a strong, capable person like myself is in this position at all.

I have feelings of shame. I have let myself and my daughter down. I have failed. And to top it off I discovered that my little pill that made my tummy not hurt, Prilosec, can cause depression among other serious side effects.

So here I sit this morning pushing back the fear. Trying to come to terms with what I have created. I know I can only do what I can do today. I am happy in my personal life. I have so much to be thankful for. Friends, loved ones, family... and I am still working at home despite it all.

How do I move forward and paint beautiful things when my mind is so muddled? How do I overcome this? I don't really have the answers yet. Day by day... even hour by hour. I am weaning myself from the Prilosec. It is a start. Meditation... a good night's sleep... praying.

I am writing this to basically get it out. I want to release this feeling and be free of it. Also to tell whoever is reading this, if you are in a situation where you don't pay attention to your money that you need to start today. Everyone should know how. Money is not an evil thing! It is a good thing that allows us so many other things. My mind is a creative mind. I don't like to be bogged down with this stuff (I am even resistant) but I am learning and I hope what happened to me is a message to someone else out there.

I am making a promise to myself today that I will let myself off the hook. My inner dialogue is very cruel. I wouldn't say the things I say to myself to another human being. I would never be so mean. I encourage anyone who is reading to stop whatever mean thoughts you have about yourself right now. I had a long talk with my sister about it last night. I am done with this self-loathing. I am very prideful I have been told. It isn't a bad thing but it can lock you up in your own scary little world. Pride is good but not when it stops you from asking for help or makes you lie to yourself about what is really going on.

Now the decision to post this. It is so easy to pretend your life is just perfect but I know I am not alone here. And maybe my ramblings will help someone else. Maybe I will hear back from some of you and the messages will be something I needed to hear.

This is not a story of despair but rather of hope. Hope that I will personally overcome this. That I will amaze myself. I am not an unhappy person. I have moments where I am freaking out but for the most part I very happy. I laugh every day. I do have some inner demons to overcome but the sun is always shining and my glass is forever half full. There is so much for me to be thankful about.

So on that note I feel better. I am off to get some promised dolls in the mail today and hopefully create a pretty little doll that will make someone very happy.

Hugs and love to all! LL

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

My Etsy Store

I have some stuff in my little Etsy store as well as on eBay! AND on Zazzle... Come by and visit my Etsy store. I love ETSY!

I have four original works of art in there and a repainted doll as well as some prints.


A little more information on Prilosec...

or any proton pump inhibitors. Thought it would be helpful to those who have been taking it like me.

These are both very interesting to read and a bit frightening too. I picked up a book on natural remedies in place of the PPI pills.I have read about half of it. Very hard to self diagnose. I could have a Candida Yeast overgrowth. I could have H. Pylori.... who knows. It effects thousands of us each year.

My magnesium arrived yesterday... I took that along with my other vitamins (B12, Vitamin D, Women's One a Day, and others....) and I felt SO much better. I had a lot of energy last night. I was running around my house cleaning and picking up before bed and I slept great. I have not stopped taking the Prilosec as of this day. When I get the natural remedies figured out I will see what happens there. Crossing my fingers. I can't believe I have been on the crap for 5 years!

Today I plan on getting everything shipped out so I am off to do that. XOXO LL

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

New Liv Tyler Repaint

Of course she can be Liv Tyler to you or the beautiful Arwen from Lord of the Rings. She does have great elf ears under that hair. Either way this gorgeous doll has soft, pale vinyl to simulate her flawless skin and her sculpt is a perfect likeness of Liv Tyler. She would look great in anything! She will be up on eBay later this evening. You can visit my website at 9PM when her auction goes live. Unfortunately I do not have her beautiful costume. This lovely doll arrived nude... she does have a pair of flat feet and fashion feet that can be switched.

I really enjoyed creating her. Her factory face paint was carefully removed. I then painted her with the finest artist grade acrylics. They pigments are strong and the paint so matte it looks as if it is part of the vinyl. I finish it off with several coats of sealer in both matte and a satin to give her eyes and lips a soft sheen. Her nails on her fingers and toes are natural with a glossy sealer and her body and face are softly blushed.

Liv will come with a certificate of authenticity by me. Liv can be redressed over and over in beautiful current fashions or stunning costumes from The Lord of the Rings (or any other movie you loved her in).

Hugs! LL

Happy May!

Hello hello hello! I am just sitting here getting ready to settle into painting a doll. Working on a Liv Tyler for eBay today. I have about 9 dolls I am in various stages of working on for commission and a few too many DVDs I need to get outta here. I also have some dolls that are ready to go home.

Life has been a bit crazy for me... on top of all of the huge changes in my life, I recently discovered that the Prilosec I have been taking for 5 years now actually does have long term side effects. Some of these have been making me not feel like myself. I am working now on finding natural remedies and taking vitamins and minerals to try to get to feeling like myself again. A major side effect is depression.

This has drastically effected my work. I was finding it hard to focus my attention on things for very long and painting dolls is very tedious and takes all of your focus and attention. I have always been able to do that but over the past few years it has taken me longer and longer to finish a doll, much less the other less interesting parts of my job. Knowing that it is something that can be corrected is like someone turned a light on in a dark room. It is such a relief.

If anyone out there is taking any kind of proton pump inhibitors please look into the serious side effects. Also, if someone knows of a solution to stomach problems that are natural I would love to hear from you. I am not yet off of the Prilosec because the book I am reading says I will need to carefully ween myself. I tried to stop them over the weekend by cutting the pills in half but it only made me sick. So until I can get my diet properly changed I am continuing on them. But please know that long term use of these pills is dangerous.

Better get myself to painting! Big hugs! LL